Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
