Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
