It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
