I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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