I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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