Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
