she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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