your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
