He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
