I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
