i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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