a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
