Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You made out with two different species that night
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
