meet me or not, i'm out of control
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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