i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
