GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i believe in u and ur pee
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