there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Drunk is a universal language darling
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
