Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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