i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
