I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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