I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
