I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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