hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
