I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
