We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
