I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
