I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
