My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
