Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I wish I could teleport
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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