peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
