Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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