so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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