ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
