I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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