I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
