It's like God shit irony all over that family
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
