I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
