Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
