remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
