I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I need water and some morals
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
