my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
