So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
