I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
