i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
