I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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