I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
