It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
