So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
