Just fell off a train. Bad.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
