if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
