You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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